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how do I explain this one ?

April 19, 2009

I was making my way home from work jamming & singing out loud to *slow ride * by Fog hat when the phone rang……after that little incident involving walking and chewing bubble gum I no longer try multitasking , so I pulled into a local car dealership  and killed the engine so I could answer the call from the wife .

they lurked in the shadows waiting to pounce , each wanting me for their very own ….”yes honey I’ll stop…. oh , no problem” says I . Their hearts were  pounding , waiting for me to make my move..hoping I would end up being easy prey.  ” OK…..sure , any thing else ? ” I ask.

 I had been surrounded , but was none the wiser . They had become more desperate with each passing day …soon they would they all die off if they didn’t catch a break soon . they needed someone …..anyone  and I was in their sights !

” OK babe , wait until I get home then we can talk” …seeing that I wasn’t getting out of the car they each decided too make their move..from all directions they rushed my vehicle ……….”Sir , sir ….have you seen the new 09′  blah De blah ?!!” screeches the sales man at my door..I immediately reached over and locked the door as another started pounding on the passenger side window….”Sir , you can’t get  better mileage than this”  he bellowed  as he desperately pointed to a car off in the distance.

“what’s going on ” ? ask the wife as she could sense the fear in my voice and heard the commotion in the back ground ” honey !..I…. I gotta go !! ” I stammered .

“are you being robbed ?   what…………” I hung up as the biggest one  and probably the office Dip wad…. ( based on the amount of balloons tangled around his neck )  jumped on the hood  while trying to unravel a brochure of the newest hot rod ,  in my rear view mirror I saw the entire service department running my way pushing  jacks and rolling new tires …one yelling out their 21 point inspection plan .

In a panic I started my car………….*SLOW RIDE………….TAKE IT EASY .. blared from my speakers……they all stopped and for a moment they looked at one another confused  ….. It was at this point I should have floored it , but instead I watched as they started bumping and grinding around my car  while stripping off their clothing ………* I’M IN THE MOOD …………… WE CAN ROLL ALL NIGHT ! *

I desperately search my wallet for 1’s and 5’s , any thing to hold them at bay……..nothing !   *HOLD ME, ROLL ME , SLOW RIDEN’ WOMAN ‘ YOUR SO FINE* I was trapped with no way out ..no way too escape with my life………….so  I ended up buying the hot rod.( from the office Dip wad of coarse…..:)

As I head home ( looking totally cool by the way )  I have to ask …..how am  going to explain this to my wife…..* SLOW RIDE, TAKE IT EASY …….. Read more…

Has my wife lost her mind?

April 14, 2009

  yesterday our 18 year old son moved out on his own , starting his bright and promising future!
my wife and I spent most of the night celebrating and so far today neither one of us is very bright or promising for that matter!

early this morning while I was still in bed trying to find my face , my wife was in the bathroom curling her hair when out of the blue she says, ” I want to have another baby ”

immediately I felt the room starting to spin and apparently I was screaming out loud ( it slipped out ) I couldn’t believe what I was hearing !
my wife was not impressed and  started  to list her reasons for this insanity , her strongest argument is that there are plenty of woman her age still having babies

Has she not been paying attention for the last 18 years?
for the first time we have peace , we have solitude , the remote control is where I left it! and for the first time in 5 years I got to talk on the phone !

why now ? we can now do anything we want , go anywhere and see the world!
 is it possible curling irons cause brain damage? IS SHE ON DRUGS ?

I pray that this is just a bad dream or maybe she is a alien substitute and my real wife is out in space somewhere getting “probed” and will hopefully be home soon !……….. * promises to never drink again *…………………….~Dave