69 DAYS………..

September 14 ,2011 was supposed to be a great day for me , that’s right , 69 days from now would have been my one year anniversary for staying sober and stopping smoking . Well I still get to celebrate a year with out smokes!…. but due to recent events , I completely fell off the wagon.

This is not a feel sorry for myself moment , in fact the main reason I stopped drinking was to help get past the smoking thing.  In October I will turn 41 and I have been smoking on and off ( mostly on ) since I was 12 .

my breathing now is so much better , in fact I run 8 miles every other day and have a goal of running a marathon next year  if my old man knees will work with me !

Yes there have been times when beer has gotten the best of me , just looking and my previous attempts at humor is evidence of that !

At times I am tempted to erase my old stories because I don’t feel  they are very good ,but I won’t do that because even though I have a hard time expressing my self on paper ( or lab top )  I  still want to keep them around .

Humor has always been my way of dealing with everyday life , I just wish I had the skill to put what actually goes through my mind in writing ( if I had only stayed in school ) .

As I sit here enjoying a beer , I am once again tempted to wade into the creative side of myself again. It has been a long time since I tried to write ( not smoking and being pissed off , confused and completely  irrational doesn’t lend itself to humor very well ) so I will at least blog about everyday crap for now.

I do look forward to visiting some  friends on here and I notice some interesting insert buttons I must explore !

until next time , thanks for visiting …~Dave

should I tell her?

 This past Wednesday , I was sitting at my chiropractors office with my niece waiting for Dr.Wu to see her .

I could tell something was bothering her because normally
she is a very bubbly and happy girl , but not today.

Since she did not offer, I finally ask what was wrong? It turns out her dad was upset over a tattoo she had received the day before….. curious,  I ask what it was.

Her eyes lit up as showed me the 3 Chinese symbols,  adorned with
flowing lines and little flowers just above her belt line on her
backside . she was so excited as she told me ” the first
one means peace , the second is love and the last one is harmony “.

 I smiled as I told her it looked great , and I meant it !  . Still , I couldn’t help but wonder what those same symbols would look like in 40 years due to gravitational pull….. or was it evolution theory?…I can’t remember which.

As she went into the office with the Doctor , I could only chuckle at
the thought of her father being angry, after all , it was only ten years ago we had gotten our matching “God Bless John Elway ” tattoo’s…
(we had been drinking).

After the ensuing hangover and slight embarrassment wore off , we swore to each other total secrecy and to never mention a word of “art work” to anyone.

Just then, Dr. Wu came out of his office , he glared at me as he ask ” why does she have  ” sweet and sour pork tattooed on her butt ” ! . Are  you sure that’s what it says ? I whispered back. ( I could tell he wanted to slap me ! )

 ” why is your family always writing strange things on your
butts? ” he exclaimed as he stormed back to his office!

My heart sank as I thought of how embarrassed she will be when she
finds out the symbols true meaning. So now I have a dilemma, should I make her feel better by breaking my vow and tell her about her dads tattoo? , I mean , where does my brother get off thinking he’s  Mr goodie two shoes ?

investment advice needed

 How I miss the care free days of my youth when I would mindlessly fritter away my savings ,  but now with the economy in the crapper, it’s time that I take action !

Unfortunately with no extra income coming in , I am forced to start with the very basics . I have a brilliant idea and decided it best to start off small by saving  my extra hour of daylight   !

  With the banks going down the tube , I felt more secure in  squirreling away my extra daylight under my mattress…..  not only was sleep difficult but after the “Great fire of 09 ” (as it became known) this became the single most reason the wife drinks in excess and wanders around muttering !

( too this day I’m still not allowed in the house unattended)

I have kids needing to go to college and retirement  to follow soon after , I need to turn this around and quick !

I would prefer to avoid those dodgy hedge funds and any investment that requires refrigeration…………….what should I do with my saved daylight?…..~Dave

sick

 

 The room was sweltering hot and it felt like I had been held captive  for days . I was drifting in and out of consciousness with what felt like a hundred pound weight on my chest  , breathing became impossible.

 I could tell the end was coming soon though , I could hear the evil ones minions scratching at the door .

 As  the door creaked open ,  I soon had four minions on my chest , each fighting and swatting at one another so that they could have me all to them selves , sharp l little tongues licked my face .

“BLARG LA BLA BLA ! ” screeched the evil one as she entered the room………  the minions scattered !

 she stood above me with red eyes glowing  , horns protruding  from her scalp……… “you’ ll never get me to confess……I’d rather be dead ”  bellowed I !  As she moved  toward me  I lost consciousness.

  I felt cool water dripping off  of my forehead , even though my eyes were still blurry I could now see my beautiful wife, my angel , not the hideous creature I had witnesses only moments before .

“evil” , I was pointing to where the minions were now busy fighting  over my shoe lace.

” the kitty’s only wanted to see you , you are such a baby when your sick ‘  she teased ”  .

I asked  if you were hungry , I would bring you breakfast in bed” .  I nodded as I cautiously looked around the room. oh, and we’ll talk about this “confession ” later.

as she stood up her giant wings started flapping and as she flew out of the room , her long spiky tail knocked me off the bed.

from the floor ,  I watched the minions prance off after her , I could only wounder, is it’s  possible for cold medicine be used to extract a confession?…….~Dave

10 paces

 A battle was brewing of epic per portions , you see a income tax return check was on the horizon and  the battle lines where clearly being drawn ( our favorite time of the year) .

 On one side is the wife and for her , this has always been like a second Christmas and she  was looking forward to stimulating the economy , As for myself I feel we should take advantage of the lower prices and invest !

    After some mild bickering the wife suggested we divide the check so that each of us would be satisfied. I felt this was totally ridicules and knew it would never work.

I instead suggested we go out back  and settle this with my 19th century dueling pistols , winner take all  ( I had been drinking )

The wife agreed but complained that she had never fired a pistol before , so being a good sport I decided to teach her how to duel.

  Soon we found our self’s standing in the field next to “Rusty ” the family scare crow. I pinned a heart on the effigy to indicate where she would be aiming . she walked over and placed  a carrot in Rusty’s trousers and giggled.

stop messing around I scolded , this is serious ! she only smiled and faced away from Rusty with her pistol pointing straight up in the air.

I intructed her to take ten paces , turn , fire and aim straight for the heart . I then proceeded to count out aloud ONE..TWO …THREE ………..BLAM! , the shot had split the carrot in two !

“well,   he’s not the man his father was that’s for sure ” she teased .

 As I watched her investigate the now mutilated carrot , I can only wonder which is more concerning , her poor marksmanship or the fact the daft girlie can’t count to ten ?……..~Dave

smiling attack dog ?

 Due to a surge of breakins in my neighborhood….. I’ve decided to turn my new black lab  puppy ” bear ” into a attack dog.

the problem is he doesn’t look very mean ,  I bought him a collar with big spikes and propped his ears up with extra hold mousse in a effort to make him look more like a doberman pinscher.

while I admit it isn’t the same …he isn’t helping because he won’t stop smiling

A  attack dog looks meaner with a sneer…..so today I hung up posters of all the famous tough  guys like James Dean , Elvis and Billy idol !
( it was at this point my wife packed the kids up and went to live with her mother  )

 I’ ve tried giving  him peanut butter in hopes that it would stick to the roof of his mouth , this did have the desired effect but only for a few minutes….. I’m at a loss , how do I make him sneer instead of a smile ?…………~Dave

should I pay him ?

In a earyler  post , I told of my wifes desire to have another child after our 18 year old son moved out- the general consenses among my friends is that she is going through a empty nest something or other , so in order to help her through this I figure I would do what any rational “and caring ” husband would do.

I bought a corvette !

 I feel it is the very least I could do by starting my mid life crises early ( i’m 38 )

oh its beautiful , it’s dark blue with leather seats with a  killer sound system and it can pass anything on the highway
(except a gas station)
 
the moment my wife saw it she STOLE it from me !
only to return 3 hours later with my car decked out in Betty Boop car seats and other chick stuff.
 it was such a cool car ……….. my wife will say  it is much cooler now !

 I realize our son is supposed to look up to us as role models at some point in his life and to honest with the way we are acting now would not be a good time .
I can’t help but wonder if it would it be better “cheaper” if I bribe the boy to move back in with us……………~Dave

how do I explain this one ?

I was making my way home from work jamming & singing out loud to *slow ride * by Fog hat when the phone rang……after that little incident involving walking and chewing bubble gum I no longer try multitasking , so I pulled into a local car dealership  and killed the engine so I could answer the call from the wife .

they lurked in the shadows waiting to pounce , each wanting me for their very own ….”yes honey I’ll stop…. oh , no problem” says I . Their hearts were  pounding , waiting for me to make my move..hoping I would end up being easy prey.  ” OK…..sure , any thing else ? ” I ask.

 I had been surrounded , but was none the wiser . They had become more desperate with each passing day …soon they would they all die off if they didn’t catch a break soon . they needed someone …..anyone  and I was in their sights !

” OK babe , wait until I get home then we can talk” …seeing that I wasn’t getting out of the car they each decided too make their move..from all directions they rushed my vehicle ……….”Sir , sir ….have you seen the new 09′  blah De blah ?!!” screeches the sales man at my door..I immediately reached over and locked the door as another started pounding on the passenger side window….”Sir , you can’t get  better mileage than this”  he bellowed  as he desperately pointed to a car off in the distance.

“what’s going on ” ? ask the wife as she could sense the fear in my voice and heard the commotion in the back ground ” honey !..I…. I gotta go !! ” I stammered .

“are you being robbed ?   what…………” I hung up as the biggest one  and probably the office Dip wad…. ( based on the amount of balloons tangled around his neck )  jumped on the hood  while trying to unravel a brochure of the newest hot rod ,  in my rear view mirror I saw the entire service department running my way pushing  jacks and rolling new tires …one yelling out their 21 point inspection plan .

In a panic I started my car………….*SLOW RIDE………….TAKE IT EASY .. blared from my speakers……they all stopped and for a moment they looked at one another confused  ….. It was at this point I should have floored it , but instead I watched as they started bumping and grinding around my car  while stripping off their clothing ………* I’M IN THE MOOD …………… WE CAN ROLL ALL NIGHT ! *

I desperately search my wallet for 1’s and 5’s , any thing to hold them at bay……..nothing !   *HOLD ME, ROLL ME , SLOW RIDEN’ WOMAN ‘ YOUR SO FINE* I was trapped with no way out ..no way too escape with my life………….so  I ended up buying the hot rod.( from the office Dip wad of coarse…..:)

As I head home ( looking totally cool by the way )  I have to ask …..how am  going to explain this to my wife…..* SLOW RIDE, TAKE IT EASY ……..

Has my wife lost her mind?

  yesterday our 18 year old son moved out on his own , starting his bright and promising future!
my wife and I spent most of the night celebrating and so far today neither one of us is very bright or promising for that matter!

early this morning while I was still in bed trying to find my face , my wife was in the bathroom curling her hair when out of the blue she says, ” I want to have another baby ”

immediately I felt the room starting to spin and apparently I was screaming out loud ( it slipped out ) I couldn’t believe what I was hearing !
my wife was not impressed and  started  to list her reasons for this insanity , her strongest argument is that there are plenty of woman her age still having babies

Has she not been paying attention for the last 18 years?
for the first time we have peace , we have solitude , the remote control is where I left it! and for the first time in 5 years I got to talk on the phone !

why now ? we can now do anything we want , go anywhere and see the world!
 is it possible curling irons cause brain damage? IS SHE ON DRUGS ?

I pray that this is just a bad dream or maybe she is a alien substitute and my real wife is out in space somewhere getting “probed” and will hopefully be home soon !……….. * promises to never drink again *…………………….~Dave